RIP Garfield

It was a terrible night. Steve, Tom and Cassie all gathered around at approximately 2AM to dig a shallow hole and bury the first Mr. meow meow to come into our crackhouse lives. He was found deceased at appx. 1:45am that morning, leading witnesses to believe they had no idea what happened, but that they were sad. Many a drink were poured into the street for this homie, and may his little bro-hams live on in our basement.

kitchen, kitchen, cracKitchen.

Alright kitchen fans, today we here at the crackhouse are going to teach you how to destroy and (mostly) rehab your kitchen, without even addressing the massive structural issues that may or may not be occurring directly under your feet!

First and foremost, start by popping that shirt off. Perfect; next, smash everything you see and make a huge pile in your yard. Finally, rent a dumpster with which your neighbors can shamelessly dispose of their old soiled mattresses in.





Alright, now you've gotten all that pesky 50's era crackheaded kitchen material out of the way, we can move on to posing for totally sweet pictures. Cue Steve....



How and or why is Steve dual wielding a power drill and a drywall saw? That's like, only +2 strength and +1 regenerative powers. At least equip the level of justice, that's +5 accuracy in itself.

If you'll look to your right, you'll see that Tom's butt looks especially good here. And Bill has seemingly just realized he is tired of working on other people's houses.











We, as a society, can put a man on the moon, but can not create an insulation which does not itch, burn and be all around bright pink.

To our left, Tom and Bill a carefully consider the perfectly framed box to cover the drainpipe from the wobbly toilet upstairs. More on that later.

Later is now. So one day, Bill and Tom took a lot of time and made a lot of noise while constructing this totally awesome box. Cassie and Steve proclaimed "That box sucks!" However, note below, the proof is in the pudding. Bill and Tom = master carpenters practically almost.

Here we seemingly have Tom dry humping Alex's head, while Steve looks on with approval and admiration. What is it about working on a house that brings that kind of stuff out in a bunch of totally butch dudes?

Also, please take note of Tom's popping calf muscle. That large sheet of drywall may have almost fallen on Alex's dryhumped head, but if Jersey Shore has taught us anything, it is that flexing on camera trumps all other truths.

Make a mental note of this picture here. Otherwise, this a fairly common occurrence in the crackhouse; The men, hard at work on constructing a masterpiece of pure beauty, while Cassie looks on in disgust and anger, awaiting the opportunity to bake up some delicious muffins or rock some fruit smoothies. Although, Cas was about an entire bottle of wine deep and discussing with Steve the non-existence of the "toilet paper fairy" by the time at which this picture was taken.

It's raining men, crack, and lots of drywall dust as Tom, Bill and Steve engage in the always extremely homosexual dance of installing drywall on a 12' ceiling without a jack.

Who is this chick in the blue shirt, why is she in the crackhouse, and damn does her butt look good. No really though, I sweat a bunch, and my legs get hot...catfeesh?

Here we have Steve meticulously putting a drywall screw directly into the cold water pex line by the look of it, and the humble beginnings of a tiled floor in a cracked house.

Counters, sink, cabinets, yeah. Only a few cabinets, or two, so a couple cabinets, almost fell down within a week. Totally legit now. Also Tom doing some grouting somewhere in there.

Alright, remember that mental note we made a few pictures ago? Take the lead on scrolling back up and comparing these ever so comparable siblings.

Then to our right we have a pretty damn moderately semi professionally done tile floor.

Finally, we have what has, is, or will become the finished product until spring, as no one feels like mudding or painting.

Yeah, there's some recessed lighting in there, and yes, that immensely-semi dangerous light hanging by the hot and return lines will be the future home of a ceiling fan.

Those switches may not look like much, but behind them there is a pile of romex so big it would make your head spin. But basically, no pulling no chains for any ceiling lights or fan.

crackitchen. woah. represent.

Meow meow Kitty Party!

Meet Cassie's kittie army. These little feral meow meows are being sustained by Cassie's growing maternal instinct combined with an overwhelming desire for power. Power in this instance, equals a cat army ready at beck and call to perform Cassie's bidding.

While Safety Steve believes the luring of the meowers with delicious cat food will also bring Gandorph the gigantic groundhog, Shedorph (Gandorph's girlfriend), and maybe the enormous racoon who remains nameless, Cassie remains adamant that the army of cats will defeat all comers, whether man or beast or crackhead.

Goodbye Crackhouse...Hello CrackCastle!

What do you get when you add a screen door with steel reinforced bars to the crackhouse? A certified crack castle. It would take an entire army of crackheads to break through this $17 dollar construction junction masterpiece. That is assuming of course (and with good reason) that crackheads don't know how to actually open doors, because the handle is broken and no one has the key for the lock. We found the latter out the hard way when Steve got locked out and had to consult the board of grievances to file an official complaint.

Addendum: For those who may have never lived in a group house, the Board of Grievances is a markerboard on which you scribble angry drunken ramblings concerning the state of the union.

Please welcome these newcomers to crackhouse

Oh, hi Marc. Window in the kitchen! Alex and Tom special discount. We probably should have moved all the "clean" dishes before demoing the old frame and plywood covering it. Alex cut a good chunk of hand off on that old window, which cassie quickly mended with half a maxi pad and some painter's tape. We even found the missing chunk of skin and hair on the glass, but forgot to take a picture of it.

Clean "dining" room! Cassie went crazytown over cleaning up and organizing, so as to make the kitchen rehab not spread more filth and disease throughout the house. Here, she is pointing out the beautiful curtains which completely cover the plywood covering the "window".

Clean new "living" room too! We'll possibly tackle that window next, but right now the plywood helps deter would be intruders by making them (correctly) figure there is nothing worth stealing in there.

Pixies Painting Party 2010! For some reason, probably because of beer, we decided to paint like madmen and women. Now the upstairs looks like a real place to live...sort of.

Bella, dan's yippie blue heeler! She bites faces!

Cicadas. The new stinkbugs. They don't smell as bad, but they sound like the way the 1997 horror/scifi film Event Horizon makes you feel.

Why are they everywhere? Why do they never stop making the horrible noise they make? I ask the same thing about every 1994 chevy caprice that has to floor it up and down broad street. 68% of vehicles in Pittsburgh are equipped with a shot exhaust, but a 5300 dollar sound system. At least they can't help it. Stupid cicadas. Infinite Space, Infinite Terror. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119081/

The Steve room.

The Steve room had humble beginnings. Demolition, more demo, more demo, wiring, insulation, drywall, mudding, more mudding, more mudding, painting, shellacing, staining, polyurethaning, and finally a nearly finished product. Steve's dirty couch sleeping days are surely numbered.







Publish Post

Yes, that is the same bandanna Steve puts over his face bandit style to stave off the numerous carcinogens he inhales every night, morning, and most of the day on the dirty leather couch. That is going to be one happy Steve when he can finally call the Steve room home. I really don't know where he is going to put all those fucking mattresses though.

So just who are these crazy crackers living in this old crackhouse?

In order to further drive home the point, the residents of crackhouse have been shown in order of insignificance. Beginning at the top, we have Steve, a native of some area outside of Pittsburgh. Steve enjoys driving his shitty car, drinking, painting, drinking, going to the bar, drinking, working like 4 hours away, and drinking.

Next we have Cassie, the resident girl. She enjoys cooking, cleaning, shopping, barbies, the color pink, and yelling at everyone for smoking and drinking too much; especially Steve.

Third there is Tom, the resident sweaty fat guy who never wears a shirt. I mean, we know it is hot outside, and appx 17x hotter inside, but come on

Finallly, there is Alex. Resident CEO, President, Esquire, DO, General Secretary General, Chief, King, Foreman, Judge, Senator, Quarterback, Captain, and Patriarch. Hygiene and eating habits are suspect, but this fearless leader has a big ass axe under his bed at all times.